Out with the Old

I am so proud of myself!  After 7 months of living in our house I have finally purged through papers and mail that we've collected during said months, cleaned up my bedroom desk and made files for important stuff!  It only took me so long because I was waiting for the new year to start.  That's my story and I'm stickin' to it....

I looked and sorted and shredded and labeled and organized!  A ton of it went out to the recycling bin.  It took me 4 hours on Tuesday and 2 more hours on Wednesday.  It was not a task conducive to a healthy and pain free back, but it had to be done.  I hated the piles of papers all over the desk, not really knowing what it all was.  And when the rest of the room is all clean and pretty, but there's this ugly eyesore of a messy desk in the corner...ugh.

I remember when I was a little girl that I absolutely LOVED the idea of getting mail.  If I ever got a piece of mail I felt so important.  I also loved packets of papers, like from school or maybe the doctor.  When I became an adult and starting getting all my own mail, even bills, I felt very grown up and important.  When I got my own bank account complete with my very own checkbook...wow!  I remember the first time I filed a tax return.  I was 17 and working at the local movie theater.  I filled out the 1040EZ form myself and got a whopping $35 or so back.  I was very proud of myself.

Then the drudgery of it all set in.  The novelty wore off.  I did not enjoy paying bills just because I liked writing checks.  I got so over filling out forms for Social Security, MediCal, doctors, school.  As an adult, you now have important documents you need to keep.  And you really should have them organized in some way so you can locate them if you should ever need.

I began to resent this adult responsibility.  Mail is not fun!  Paperwork is not fun!  It's actually all about paying for silly things like heat, phone and a place to live, and jumping through bureaucratic hoops!  All getting mail actually means is somebody wanting something from me!  The only time I look forward to getting the mail is at Christmastime or when it's some one's birthday.  Heck, even Christmas is a little lackluster these days since so few people bother to send cards!

But I'm too controlling to let Mark deal with it.  I'm also too controlling to only deal with mine and let him deal with his.  My husband is great and I love him immensely, but let's face it, he would screw it up...and then I would have to deal with that.  He's no better than I am at checking the mailbox regularly.  I can't even get him to look at the huge calendar hung on the wall so he'll know what's going on!  Now that's not to say I haven't ever made a mistake  Summer of 2009 I overlooked some paperwork that Social Security needed filled out and returned and Mark's and the kids' benefits were suspended for a month.  That was MOST of our monthly income!  Yeah, not my best moment.  However, that was probably at the height of my disdain for the mail and such.  I believe I have been steadily getting better about it since then.  That incident taught me a valuable lesson and it is something I do not intend to repeat.

I think I must at least partially get this disdain I feel for the mail from my mother who still uses a PO box even though there has been home delivery in Lake Tahoe for years now simply because she wants her mail getting to be on HER terms.  She would rather trudge to the post office in the snow if she has to!  She has often received gifts from me late because of this.

Another problem is undoubtedly procrastination.  I will get everything I need to done, but probably not until I absolutely have to.  So I will go all week without checking the mail and only finally go do it because I'm sure it's packed full.  Speaking of, you know I come in and throw half it away anyhow!  I do everything I can to reduce the amount of mail and papers coming into this house by opting for paperless billing and statements, paying pills online and whatnot.  I don't sign up to receive every catalog on the planet.  Yet it's still A LOT of crap to sift through!

Alright, I am done with my tantrum over the mail.  I feel much better now that I have some organization for it all.  Now what I need to do is let go of the stupid guilt I actually feel over throwing some things out.  Such as all the stuff the school sends home.  I think, they must've thought I needed this for some reason, but I really don't think I do.  So I'll keep it for awhile, just in case.  And by awhile, I mean like 6 months to a year.  Really?  Guilt over papers?  Sheesh.

"I have received no more than one or two letters in my life that were worth the postage."  ~Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Who Knew?

Today I was turned on to a very interesting bit of information:

Aries-Taurus Cusp – April 16 – 26

Characteristics: Taurus Cusp

01. Aries/Taurus, these two astrological signs denote an active and dynamic pioneer who responds to the world by examining the worth of each possible response. *Could this be why I'm constantly asking WHY?

02. The ability to follow through and complete projects that others may have abandoned through boredom or because it was too difficult is blended with the sign of new beginnings.

03. This promises a tremendous amount of fulfilling adventure and achievement for those born on the Aries/Taurus cusp.

04. Aries/Taurus can be blunt (mm hm), and they are bold and strong. They are among the strongest combination of signs when it comes to meeting goals because of their reliable persistence. Those born under the influence of both astrological signs are able to initiate and successfully complete projects and activities.

05. Aries/Taurus-born reflects leadership and initiative (Eh). They are strongly independent and determined and have the physical stamina to stay their course.

06. They have a great love for culture. It’s important for them to feel good. They often maintain extensive art collections and tend to be artistic themselves, sometimes through singing. *I love to sing! LOL

07. They enjoy partnership and marriage, and use their charm — as well as their focused perseverance — to work toward harmony and personal security. *Absolutely!

08. Aries/Taurus cusp has the potential for great satisfaction in life, thanks to the balance of great action and great will.

09. The Aries/Taurus tends to want what they want, when they want it. *Hahahahaha, Ohhhh, Hahahaha!

10. Aries/Taurus people can also be extremely patient and dependable. Their ambition ensures that they are hardworking and helpful to others.

11. The blending of their elements, earth and fire, gives them a general focus on building things and seeing their ideas through to completion.

12. The fixed opinions of the Aries/Taurus can be surprisingly unchangeable, even when they have discovered a flaw in their logic. *This is true and false.  Depends on what your talking about.  Mark says when I get an idea in my head it's hard to change it.  But I have to point out that I am very open-minded too.

13. Aries/Taurus tend to play as hard as they work at the office. They greatly enjoy athletics, as sports give them a positive and healthy outlet for some of their natural aggression. *Ummmm

14. Aries/Taurus tend to enjoy outdoor activities. Intense activity and drive channeled through a great love and respect for the natural beauty of the outdoors. *I definitely appreciate the beauty of the outdoors, but I tend to only appreciate it in small doses.

15. With the combination of fire and earth, they are one of the most dynamic, stable and passionate characters of the zodiac. *Nice!

Signs next to each other are the most difficult to blend but also the most rewarding when they can be blended to work together. Aries/Taurus must blend fire and earth. Aries is the most explosive fire sign while Taurus is the most productive earth sign. Aries is Cardinal and must be on the move as a pivotal point for turning in all directions. Taurus is fixed and must be stable. This is a power which is difficult to use effectively. It is like the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. Something’s gotta give. Giving is negative unless it is for an investment which Aries prefers not to be tied to. You need to pace yourself, alternating your driving energy with relaxation (Yes!). This is only the beginning. Ultimately, you will be better off if you learn to work in a more relaxed and easy going manner (Perhaps why I'm a good stay-at-home mom?). You suffer if you burn yourself out and too much relaxation is boredom that your Aries nature is unable to tolerate (Well that's just confusing!). The relationship between the rulers Venus & Mars will either help or make it more difficult to blend these two energies to your advantage. It will also make a difference what we are talking about on the cusp. If it is the Sun, it is likely to give Aries more support. If it is the Moon, it may give Taurus more support. In either case, the problem will be to keep the fire from scorching the earth. It will be necessary for this individual to yield the aggressive part of the nature to the stable and fixed side of the nature in such a way that they balance rather than fight against each other. You are likely to be intolerant of others who are unable to keep up with you. Your Aries nature may drive your Taurus nature too far while your Taurus nature may put on the brakes too strongly, limiting your freedom. This may cause you to be restless and stressed out (Ya think?), not being able to really be comfortable in either of the roles you have been assigned until you are able to find the proper balance.

The word "balance" was used 3 times.  I already knew this was a theme in my life, but there's some nice validation!

I also checked out a link to a free astrological chart.  While I don't feel like posting all of the details therein, I did notice that influences from Pisces showed up 3 times:

Rising Sign is in 19 Degrees Pisces

Very sensitive to your surroundings, other people's feelings become your feelings (so very true). Try to avoid negative people because your tendency to empathize with them will make you negative also (I have learned this). An idealist, you must believe in something beyond your normal everyday existence (I have always believed in God, even without anyone telling me to). A dreamer, you like to escape to a world of your own creation. As such, you are known for the vividness of your imagination and should try to share your inner visions with others (perhaps by blogging?). Very self-sacrificial by nature, beware of others becoming overly dependent on you or vice versa. Allow yourself to live for yourself once in a while -- you deserve it. Don't be so envious of those who are more aggressive than you -- your gentle charity and true humility are indeed wonderful gifts (I almost cried when I read this sentence!). on the tenth house cusp (MIDHEAVEN).

Venus is in 10 Degrees Pisces.

You have a dreamy, fanciful, romantic nature and a very creative imagination. Indeed, at times, your private fantasies are more appealing than the reality around you and it is difficult for you to leave them. You tend to be unselfish and giving in relationships and are extremely sensitive of the needs of others. Be very sure that those you help are worthy of your devotion and are not merely taking advantage of your innocence and naivete. *I often feel naive and too trusting, always wanting to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Jupiter is in 08 Degrees Pisces.

You are at your best when you give of yourself and what you have -- try to avoid being a martyr about it, though. You're a true idealist, but you must learn not to be upset when life does not cooperate with the way you think things should be (Really? I must? Dangit!). Very concerned with spiritual truth and growth, when you practice what you preach, you make an excellent role model for others (I hope so). You are so devoted to altruistic ventures and concerns that you tire easily at times. It then becomes necessary for you to go off by yourself to recharge your batteries.



Really interesting stuff.  Much food for thought!  The Aries-Taurus cusp thing is the most interesting part because I never used to put much stock in astrology becuase everything I read about being an Aries didn't feel like me.  And of course it would turn out that I'm more of a blend, never all of one thing or another, always on the fence I am!

Late Night Revelations

What is it about late at night, lying in bed, that helps make thoughts and feelings more clear and understandable?  I suppose it's the dark and the quiet, no distractions.  However, it really isn't the most opportune time to be working on life's great questions since it keeps you awake!

Jessica, one of the people I am closest with, just lost her maternal Grandmother this morning.  Last night she visited at the hospital and told me about it when she got home.  After saying a prayer for a merciful release, I lay in bed thinking about stuff.  I realized that after I had just been very worried about my own Grandmother at the end of December, it turns out to be my friend's Grandma's time to go and she has to say goodbye when I didn't have to.

Then, as is often the case now (and the recurring theme to my blog as of late), my thoughts went straight back to "the night from hell"....Mark coded!...and I literally gasped!  I almost started crying, but managed to take a few deep breaths and shake it off.  So then another new thought came to me.  Maybe Mark coding has effected me so much because I now have very real proof that that can and does happen....so it can happen again.

Um. At the time that seemed like a new and somewhat profound thought, but now that I'm trying to explain, it feels more like a DUH moment.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that experience really freaking scared me and messed me up and I'm just still not over it!  And feeling emotional over someone else's grandmother dying just goes to show how sensitive I still am (well, also how much I care for Jessica).  These are not little things.  It's OK to feel.

On a brighter note, I must gush about my thoughtful and giving husband.  As soon as we found out it was over Mark started asking what we can do.  I picked out flowers and he dropped me off at Jessica's house to be there when she got home so I could give her a big hug and try to help her start processing.  Then he went home and cooked up a double batch of spaghetti and garlic bread to share with her family for dinner.  He had hoped there wouldn't be much to do today.  But since there was, he really stepped up and led with his heart.  Pretty sure he feels like I do, that when we have an opportunity to pay some of the generosity we've been shown forward, we gotta do it!

"Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever."

~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Learning Sucks

Just since I posted last night I have learned several things about myself.  I am sensitive.  I tend to overreact.  I've been stuck inside my own head a little too much.  I'm not very good at chilling out.  OK, I kinda already knew that last one.  Anyway, by the time I went to bed last night a shift in my thinking had begun.  I realized the sky is indeed exactly where it should be and I am fine.

Like Jessica said, I have been dealing with back pain for a long time now and I will continue to do so.  This little episode shouldn't be any different.  I will suck it up, put on my big girl panties and deal.  I'm too stubborn not to!

That said, there's still the matter of my little "drama queen" hissy fit.  That I guess stems from STILL lumping every little thing that happens in with Mark's bypass and the trauma that ensued.  So this makes me feel like a big baby.  Yes, a very scary, stressful and traumatic thing happened.  One of my worst fears was almost realized - almost.  Mark didn't die.  He made it through, got better and things are going well for him.  But I.....I'm still raw I guess.  It's still there at the surface.  Why?  Oh that damn question!  It's always why, why, WHY with me!

So yeah.  I need to get out of my head.  Maybe I need to have a little more fun.  Jessica asked me something today which made me realize that I miss the regular nights out I used to have with my friends.  Everyone needs that!  But so much has changed there.  Some people decided to be jerks, some don't go for the group thing, some are socially retarded, some decided to have another baby and maybe some didn't like me in the first place.  Ah, but I digress!

It is what it is.

Mark said a funny thing in the car today.  I was talking to him about how I guess I've overreacted about my back problem which makes me feel like a big baby (although it really was VERY painful and I'll never take that back!).  He said, "it's OK, we know this about you, that you tend to overreact at first, but then you calm down and deal." Then he said, "I tend to under react, so together we're somewhere in the middle."  We're like that in a lot of areas.  Must be why we work! :-)

"But are not this struggle and even the mistakes one may make better, and do they not develop us more, than if we kept systematically away from emotions?" ~Vincent Van Gogh

Slow

Am I dense?  I never used to consider myself a slow learner, but now I gotta wonder.  What am I missing?  What am I not getting?

Life has felt so different since Mark's bypass.  I have felt like I am (we are) in a constant state of limbo.  There was the 2 weeks he spent in the hospital and then all the subsequent medical care and maintenance, toe surgery, etc.  Then the Holidays came.  I always feel like life is in limbo during the Holidays, so that didn't bother me much.  New Year's came and at first I didn't feel much of a change, but then the first Monday arrived, kids went back to school, and it felt like our "normal" was back.  Now I have this very uncomfortable and very inconvenient back and nerve pain, which doesn't have a quick fix, so here I am again, in a state of limbo because I don't feel good, happy or content at the moment.

I don't want to do this.  I don't want to deal with another problem right now.  I know, who ever wants to deal with problems?  But seriously, ME having a medical problem now is discouraging.  It's especially discouraging because I was finally gifted with Wii Fit for Christmas, I get in 2 days of exercising with it and my back freaks out.  Are you kidding me?  Really? !#$%^&*@!

Jessica tried to give me perspective.  She said I've been dealing with back pain for years so I must've known I would eventually have something more serious happen, and it could be worse.  I didn't take it very well.  I'm just angry about this!  She also said she gets that I'm angry and I'm allowed, but this is life, one thing after another and I'm gonna be angry until I let that sink in.

So how do I do that?  HOW do I stop letting everything life throws at me make me feel like the sky is falling?  How do I keep my positive attitude, don't things piss me off so much and just deal?  Am I not able to do this because I'm STILL not over what I went through with Mark?  If not, that makes me angry too!

I very much want to be at peace, feel happy and content no matter what is happening and continue on my quest for balance.  But I seem to be banging my thick head up against the wall.

I purposely lead a simple, non-hectic daily life because of the stresses that come up.  It's a big deal if I have something to GO OUT and do away from home!  I don't understand people who schedule all their time DOING things, running around like crazy people.  So I think, I am a calm, centered person who is not being pulled in a million different directions.  I have time to take care of my responsibilities and have hobbies, I have time to think and absorb and digest.  I have time to RELAX!

So why then am I so bound up inside?  I mean, it seems to me, and I think to everyone else as well, that my back pain is directly related to the stresses I feel.  Yes, I do have a diagnosed back problem called scoliosis and so I am told I am "more prone to back pain".  But I know there is a mind/body connection and therefor I do purposely try to not let stress effect my body.  But perhaps there is more I need to do....

I already feel so lucky that I am able to take it easy if I need to since I don't have I job I have to go to and my husband only works part-time.  But still, my house isn't in the shape I would keep it in if I were feeling up to par.  So I tell myself, it's OK, it's only temporary.  But am I still internalizing it?  How the heck are you supposed to know if you've truly let something go or not?

I Got Nothin'

I miss my daily blogging!  I keep trying to think of things to say...but my life is really not that interesting...

I've been layed up with what I guess is Sciatica all weekend.  It's really frustrating, discouraging and pretty much sucks.  I deal with back pain all the time, but nothing, except labor, has hurt as much as this did on Friday.  If I was a horse I might be shot because my left leg is practically lame!  I think it's getting better, but I can't really be sure because I've been highly medicated.  But the clinic doctor gave me only 14 low dose percocets, so we'll find out tomorrow if it is better or not!

Besides that all is well in the Hall household.  Work is going well for Mark; so well that his department (or maybe the whole store) did way better than expected over the Holidays so one of the guys in charge wants to take everyone and their significant others out to dinner!  Camryn got a good first trimester report card, and AJ is almost 5.  Looking forward to his party, which is way odd for me.

Some things I've been thankful for lately include my dear hubby for taking great care of me while I baby my back, my kids caring for me too, as well as keeping themselves entertained, my sweet kitty for cuddling with me a lot, figuring out that I can still knit fully reclined, Jessica helping us out on Friday and rotisserie chicken from Costco.

I mustn't forget that it is officially Girl Scout cookie season!  Jessica and I helped out with the One Warm Coat drive at the Cookie Rally and the girls are now taking pre-sale orders.  Camryn already got an order from her teacher and my dad is going to ask around at work.  We collected 114 coats and jackets!  I really love helping out with charitable things.  People have been very charitable towards us since Mark's bypass and it feels good to be able to pay it forward a little.

Hmm.  Maybe the title of this post wasn't exactly true... :-)

Holiday Great-full-ness, Day 38...The End

Today is New Year's Day and therefor the last day of "the Holidays", which means my "Holiday Great-full-ness" is done.  I have very much enjoyed my daily lists of things to be thankful for and I do intend to continue to pause and give thanks as the urge strikes me.

It's actually one of my very favorite things to do because "gratitude is the best attitude" and "an art of painting an adversity into a lovely picture".  Further, "I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder", and you should "praise the bridge that carried you over".

In making these lists I had to deliberately shove the parts of my day that I didn't enjoy away and pull the parts that were great closer.  What could be better than that?  This has been an exercise in really learning how to not sweat the small stuff!  Some days finding the good was harder than others, but each day I still found something to be thankful for.  Does this mean that there are no "bad" days?  Maybe each day is what YOU make it out to be.  Imagine that!  But it can be quite difficult to stay in this frame of mind on a daily basis because there is so much to bombard and overwhelm us.  That is why gratitude journaling is very important.  And, I think, having a few good friends to remind you is kind of important too!

So without further adieu, today I am thankful for:

A little bit of letting go.
Blogging.
Going to see my friend's new baby girl and getting to hold her a good long while.
Pizza.
Cami at a sleepover.
My cat needing to be in whatever room I was in tonight.
The History Channel.
Low fat caramel delight ice cream.

2010: An Odyssey

od·ys·sey noun \ˈä-də-sē\; plural od·ys·seys
Definition of ODYSSEY
1: a long wandering or voyage usually marked by many changes of fortune
2: an intellectual or spiritual wandering or quest

Umm. Yes.  That is exactly what 2010 was for me and those close to me.  I really can't say it any better than that, try as I might.
 
I have had so many thoughts running around in my head over the past few months that I've been trying to make sense of.  I have been trying so hard that it has been very emotional and distracting.  I don't think I've been fully myself...or perhaps I am in the process of evolving into a new version of me.  Well, I should be doing that all the time anyway.  What I mean is I think these past few months have been, and still are, a more obvious evolution.
 
Ugh.  I want so much to be able to articulate all my thoughts and feelings but I just can't.  They sort of make sense to ME, but making them make sense to anyone else is another thing entirely.  I had hopes of being able to accept and let go of 2010 by last night, New Year's Eve.  Seemed like that should be doable.  Jessica told me awhile back that there is no timeline for these things, for working out one's issues (PTSD or grief), that I shouldn't try to give it a deadline.  But I hoped she was wrong, hoped I could use the dawning of a new year to "snap out of it!".  But alas, the burden and tension still linger.
 
Let me clarify.  I by no means am sitting and wallowing in a heap of crud.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  The "crud" is simply like a hovering thing, hanging out, waiting for a trigger to pounce and effect me in some way.  Life is essentially good!  After one of the worst times of our lives, we had a wonderful holiday season filled with love and laughter, food and gifts, warmth and joy.  We are loved and blessed.  I feel it and know it.  And I am happy.  We are all happy.
 
I have the Beatles song "The Long and Winding Road" in my head today.  I have no idea where or when I heard it in order for it to be there.  Maybe an angel put it there because it does seem to be appropriate:
 
The long and winding road

That leads to your door
Will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to you door

The wild and windy night
That the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
Crying for the day
Why leave me standing here?
Let me know the way

Many times I've been alone
And many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know
The many ways I've tried

And still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
Lead me to your door

But still they lead me back
To the long winding road
You left me standing here
A long long time ago
Don't keep me waiting here
Lead me to your door
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

So I guess I am beginning 2011 the same way I ended 2010, on an odyssey, the journey of my life.  And I suppose that's not a bad thing.  The journey's not supposed to end - ever.  Maybe it doesn't have to all make sense.  I wish it did!  And maybe some of it will.  But I've never been an all or nothing kind of person, so why start now?

Happy New Year to me!