For a week now I have been on #kidvaction.
Yay! Whoopy!
Mark and I have been able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, without considering our children.
It has been quiet, stress free and easy.
Mark has played Xbox all by himself to his heart's content. I am almost all the way through the six seasons of Bones on Netflix. We've had several uninterrupted conversations.
Yet in the middle of this splendid time I noticed something. Something that is really bothering me.
Mark works for Home Depot. He works less now than he did before "the March crisis". He also has his 16 hours a week of dialysis. Over the weekend he worked Saturday, Sunday and Monday. He also dialyzed Saturday night. So I was home alone during that time.
While I love being in the house by myself, free to listen to whatever music I want, do things without anyone in my way
I posted on my Facebook page:
Y'all know I'm on #kidvacation, right? Well last night I was home alone, sitting on my couch with my cat, knitting and watching Bones on Netflix. I got the distinct feeling that this was a glimpse of my future once kids are grown and my husband is gone.And I felt sad.
Not only that, but I am somewhat ashamed of myself! Here I think I'm totally growing and evolving, becoming more confident and comfortable in my own skin. I think I accept the fact that I will long outlive Mark and one day not be married anymore.
But that coupled with the knowledge that my children will leave too......? Pretty much sucked the wind right out of my sails.
Will I end up all alone?
I think the only thing that made me feel better in that moment was knowing that it wasn't all happening right now, I had to bring myself back to the present and remember that Mark would be home in just awhile.
What I think this experience has showed me is that, at least for right now, I may like and need some alone time, but only as long as someone will still be coming home eventually.
That's a hard thing to think about, but it's also good, because it makes you appreciate what you have right now. Hopefully, you will have plenty of friends around to help you when the time comes. But hopefully, it won't come too soon!
ReplyDeleteI completely relate to this. Even though I'm an introvert and I enjoy being alone, it's like I enjoy being left to myself knowing someone else is in the house with me. If that makes any sense. It's nice to have pockets of downtime and I can handle it for a couple of hours, but after that I'm ready for people. Not necessarily to talk or do things with, but just to be with. It's amazing that I lived alone for 6 years before getting married. Of course I was at work all day, but still...
ReplyDeleteI totally relate to this as I had a kidcation a few weeks ago and then about 5 days to myself. I enjoyed parts of it but was lonely too.
ReplyDeletemy husband was explaining just this to me the other night. he got a kid-vacation while I was at my moms' for a week with them. just like I do every March break, summer and at Christmas. the house was too quiet and he was lonely. poor thing.
ReplyDeleteIf only I could understand him....but in 8 years of motherhood, I've never got the chance to be alone.
Is it wrong and am I terrible mother that I look forward to the chance to miss them?
Oh, girl.
ReplyDeleteLet's hope that time of being alone is a long way off. xo