For a week now I have been on #kidvaction.
Mark and I have been able to do whatever we want, whenever we want, without considering our children.
It has been quiet, stress free and easy.
Mark has played Xbox all by himself to his heart's content. I am almost all the way through the six seasons of Bones on Netflix. We've had several uninterrupted conversations.
Yet in the middle of this splendid time I noticed something. Something that is really bothering me.
Mark works for Home Depot. He works less now than he did before "the March crisis". He also has his 16 hours a week of dialysis. Over the weekend he worked Saturday, Sunday and Monday. He also dialyzed Saturday night. So I was home alone during that time.
While I love being in the house by myself, free to listen to whatever music I want, do things without anyone in my way
I posted on my Facebook page:
Y'all know I'm on #kidvacation, right? Well last night I was home alone, sitting on my couch with my cat, knitting and watching Bones on Netflix. I got the distinct feeling that this was a glimpse of my future once kids are grown and my husband is gone.And I felt sad.
Not only that, but I am somewhat ashamed of myself! Here I think I'm totally growing and evolving, becoming more confident and comfortable in my own skin. I think I accept the fact that I will long outlive Mark and one day not be married anymore.
But that coupled with the knowledge that my children will leave too......? Pretty much sucked the wind right out of my sails.
Will I end up all alone?
I think the only thing that made me feel better in that moment was knowing that it wasn't all happening right now, I had to bring myself back to the present and remember that Mark would be home in just awhile.
What I think this experience has showed me is that, at least for right now, I may like and need some alone time, but only as long as someone will still be coming home eventually.