I have issues.
I'm a mess.
And I don't know why.
Well, I'm not totally stupid. I basically know why. But, I don't completely know why.
For about a week now I've felt so....just....umm....
I've been quiet unless I needed to speak, not smiling much. I feel so....
What am I feeling?
I'm pretty sure it has to do with all the ups and downs in my life. There are so many it's practically dizzying.
I mean, how does one deal with her husband being fine one day, to nearly dying, to (seemingly) fine again? But not. Especially when it's not even the first time.
How does that happen??
And how am I supposed to feel about it?
The other day, we were talking about the possibility of refinancing our house and Mark says, "Lower payments will be good for you down the road."
And then he realized what he was saying, and said, "Or....us."
He says a lot of things like that, and not only to me. He's been trying to work up the gumption to make videos for the kids in which he talks to them about things, giving his fatherly advice. You know, for when he's not here.
The topic of Mark's possible impending departure from this world has been at the forefront of our minds since March 1st.
And the need to get his blood pressure checked out at the ER sends me running to sob in the shower. Every. Little. Thing. Is scary now, and the what-ifs bombard my mind.
Yet he is still very much with us.
He came home from the ER and insisted we go out for the day.
Anytime he steps foot into a hospital, I expect him to be admitted.
It is really hard to juggle this stuff!
Imagine my arms stretched out, the good on one side, the bad on the other, playing tug of war.
I am always focusing on the positive, remembering that he's "not dead yet". Mark is here and we are together, loving each other and our kids, trying to make the most of what we've got. I am an Attitude Ninja!
You know how one can be great in a crisis, but break down after the dust has settled? That's me. So I think that's partly where I'm at. But also, the constant worry of losing Mark right at the surface, all the time.
My daughter is wrapping up 6th grade with a big "Who Am I?" project. She has to write several poems and stories for it. She gave me permission to share the following:
Prompt: My greatest sadness
The Time When My Dad Was In The Hospital
My dad was in the hospital in the beginning of March. It was very, very devastating. He stayed in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. Almost the whole family came to Marysville. It was so sad for everyone there. But one day my dad woke up crying that he wants my mom, my brother, and me. So my grandpa took us to the hospital to see my dad. I was happy to see my dad was getting a little bit better. But one day he got worse, so bad he wasn't able to talk, or pick up his hands. All he could do was nod or shake his head yes or no. But then he got better after like 2 or 3 days, and was able to talk, but it was like a mumble when he talked. So then one day he was able to sit up and stand up and was fully understandable. And in 3 days he CAME HOME! And I was happy that he was home. But also scared, because I was afraid that it might happen to him again. But it hasn't, so I'm not as worried now.
Linking up with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out and hanging at Yeah Write.